Be Strong — Ask for Help
Life works in mysterious ways sometimes (I would say ironic, but quite honestly, I’m not confident that is the appropriate usage, and I don’t want to be judged like Alanis Morissette). At the end of September, I finished up the Facebook 25-day pushup challenge for mental health awareness. I honestly didn’t think much of it at the time. A friend challenged me and quite honestly my feed was focused on my ability, or in some crazy people’s opinions inability, to complete a real pushup. A lot of good fun was had (mostly at my expense) as I received tips on my form, my breathing and how to not stare directly into the camera while doing pushups. However, there wasn’t a whole lot of discussion about mental health.
A mere two weeks later, however, I wished I had taken the opportunity to spread the message about mental health a little more seriously. Up until then I had not known anyone who had committed suicide. But as I sat working on my parent’s couch — aka one of my new office spaces — my dad received a phone call from a friend who owns a gas station, who called to tell him a mechanic at his shop had taken his life. The same mechanic who had worked on my car for nearly 20 years.
For the sake of the story I am going to call the mechanic, Joseph.
Despite not being close with Joseph, I have found the news has had a big impact on me. Maybe it was because I have had similar thoughts, but was fortunate to have someone or something steer me in a better direction. Maybe it was because I have no idea how I would feel if someone close to me took a similar path? Either way, ever since I heard the news I have found myself thinking of it throughout the day, and wondering why…
I mean, Joseph was smart. He knew more about cars than I knew about…. well friggin anything. He probably knew more about cars than my total knowledge on all subjects combined. The guy could diagnose and fix nearly anything.
Joseph was kind. He never mocked me for my complete lack of knowledge about how a car works. Never ridiculed me, despite having to speak to me like a 6-year-old when he had to tell me why my alternator had to be replaced. In fact, he always listened to what I had to say, and then helped me make the best decision for me — from 16-to-37-years old.
Joseph was also funny. He would crack jokes about my dad. Crack jokes about his boss. Crack jokes about me. And not polite jokes either. Stuff that would have you laughing out loud and wondering what the other customers thought about what he had just said.
So why?
Why would someone so smart think taking his life was the best option he had left? Why didn’t he tell someone how he felt? Why didn’t he ask for help?
Maybe because in most of society talking about your feelings or telling people you are said is seen as a sign of weakness. Talking about depression is taboo. Leaders aren’t depressed. Leaders are strong. Leaders are confident. Leaders always have the answer — no matter the question. If they didn’t, why should anyone believe in them?
I know this all to well. I have a MBA in covering up sadness and fear. It is easier look someone in the eye, smile and tell them how well you are doing instead of telling them you are feeling like a loser because your girlfriend just broke up with you, your friends all make more money and you just got passed up for a promotion.
But ever since my dad received the call from Joseph, I have wondered why I have hidden my feelings for so long? Why have I viewed talking about your feelings as a sign of weakness?
Talking about your feelings doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human. We are designed to share with and support each other. We are the species that is meant to share and protect one another. When one of us is down, others pick us up because we know we will need them to return the favor. That isn’t weak — that is actually really cool.
Talking about your feelings doesn’t make you weak, enables you to help others. By getting help you become the best version of yourself. Removing that sadness and fear allows you to become the most creative, helpful and thoughtful person you can be. By sharing your feelings, you also help others feel more comfortable opening up. Speaking up helps take away the stigma surrounding talking about your feelings, and when others share and ask for help they become the best versions of themselves too.
Talking about feelings isn’t a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength. It takes far more courage to ask someone for help than it does to pretend you are doing well. It takes more guts to work on improving yourself with the help of others than silently sitting in pain. It takes more strength to be vulnerable in front of people than to act like your life is going well.
This change in perspective has been a revelation for me; and caused me to ask a new set of why questions. Why can’t this generation change the perspective on what it means to be strong? Why can’t we make others feel comfortable and good about asking for help?
Hell, if I have realized anything in living through an economic recession and a global pandemic it is that we all need help now and then — and there is no shame in that. But asking for it can still feel completely uncomfortable.
I am overcoming 37-years of burying my feelings, but try every day to be a little more open with others about how I am feeling. Opening up really has made me feel better –like a weight is being lifted off my shoulders. I don’t have to tackle problems alone. I can gain perspective from others of the positive things I have in my life. I relate better to others — because it turns out most people are battling similar fears and bouts with depression.
And if a guy who hasn’t cried in 15-years can try to be more open, then why can’t you?
I am not so naive to think that one person sharing will solve everything, but am hopeful I can help one person feel better about asking for help. Then hopefully they can make one person feel better and a small-scale snowball effect occurs. No — we may never stop all the Joseph’s of the world from leaving us too early, but we can make that number a lot damn smaller. And maybe at the same time we can help people be the best version of themselves — and as a result make this world a better place, which is something this world could certainly use.
Why can’t that happen?
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