My Sanctuary

Anyone else struggling with isolation during Covid?

“Yeah, this is my sanctuary right here. All this hatred and turmoil swirling around us, but this, this is always right. Struggle. Survival. Victory and defeat. It’s just a game Doc, but I love it.”

This is one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies — Remember the Titans. A classically good Denzel movie where he plays the black head coach of the first racially integrated football team in Virginia. Coach Boone makes the comment right before his first regular season game — as the football field is his sanctuary from the hate he was dealing with.

It seems like an innocuous line in a movie full of quotable lines, but it is one that has truly hit home for me while dealing with Covid.

My sanctuary is a football field — just not of the American variety. I love playing and coaching soccer. I love the strategy. I love the small nuances that make one team better than another. I love the level of effort needed to succeed. I love the art and beauty of such a simple game.

For many years now, the soccer field has been my sanctuary; but thanks to Covid my sanctuary was taken away from me for more than nine months now. While nine months may not seem long to some, with everything going on during these past nine months it has felt like a lifetime to me.

Learning to work from home. People arguing about wearing masks. People hating one another because of race. People hating one another because of how they feel about law enforcement. People hating one another because of the political party they follow. People divided by their ability to make a living. Even during the holiday season, the TV was full of stories on arguments over voter fraud, police funding and who to blame for the size of stimulus checks.

If ever there was a time I needed a game or practice to look forward to, it is today. If ever there was a time to escape to another world to have fun with my teammates or teach lessons to my players, it is today.

I miss my sanctuary.

My sanctuary is a simple place, with a simple structure that has always helped me make sense of the world. The score always starts off 0–0. The rules are the same for everyone (at least most of the time). Work hard and you get better. Be a good teammate and you get better. Find ways to make your teammates better and your team gets better. Then at the end of the day, the team with the most goals at the end wins. For those who truly want to be successful in my sanctuary — race, religion, politics and sexual orientation simply don’t matter. There are no recounts of goals at the conclusion of the game. The scoreboard never lies.

Struggle. Survival. Victory and defeat. I love it.

Yet as l feel the hatred and negativity engulfing the world around me — I find myself struggling to find a place where I don’t feel force to choose one side over the other. Struggling to find a place that reminds me of all that is still good in the world. Struggling to find a place where things make sense.

Instead, more recently I have found myself taking in too much negative news. Watching too much garbage TV. And honestly — found myself drinking too much.

I am searching for something to replace the game that helped me feel normal. I am trying to replace the game that made me smile. I am trying to replace the game that helped me make sense of the world

I miss my sanctuary.

Nearly 10 months into this debacle and I still haven’t found my new outlet (I am taking recommendations so please feel free to send them my way). I am talking to friends more. I am reading more. I am writing more. But nothing has seemed to bring me the same tranquility that comes from playing and coaching the game. Nothing else has let me escape and forget about what a crazy place the world can be.

I recognize in the big scheme of things this is a minor problem. I am lucky enough that my friends and family have remained healthy and with jobs. I have remained healthy and with a job — and for that I am grateful.

But for my mental health, and the many others who feel similar, I am hoping to step foot in my sanctuary again soon. I am hoping to return to a place where things make sense again. A place where for 90 minutes my race, political affiliations and job title don’t matter. A place where I can have fun with my teammates regardless of their race, political affiliations or job titles. A place where I can clear my head and remember the good in the world.

I know it’s just a game, but I love it because for me it is much more. I know it is just a field but for me it is still a sanctuary — and I miss it.

I miss my sanctuary. I hope to have it back soon — I hope we all get to return to our sanctuaries very, very soon.

P.S. Let me know what activities you are struggling without in 2020 and what activities you have picked up that have helped you out. Would love to hear all your stories.